


I Wasn't There for You (When the Rain Started to Pour)

by bmw4fh1017



Series: After the Winter Soldier [20]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Established Relationship, M/M, or at least scenes from those two movies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-02
Updated: 2020-02-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:02:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22530664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bmw4fh1017/pseuds/bmw4fh1017
Summary: "the average person may have missed the fear that flashed in Bucky's eyes. But Steve wasn't an average person, not when it came to Bucky."
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Series: After the Winter Soldier [20]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1434925
Comments: 3
Kudos: 33





	I Wasn't There for You (When the Rain Started to Pour)

It was an understatement to say Steve regretted his actions. He had only himself to blame— and he knew it. Not the internet, the website he was already on, nor his 100-year-old ass not understanding either one.

Tony had explained this one very simple rule when handing him his first laptop: don’t click on click-bait news articles. (Well, that and always clear your browser history). And after Tony had explained how those pop-up ads and click-bait articles hold nothing but viruses, he vowed never to do so.

But now it was eight years later and Steve was wishing he had listened. It wasn’t even porn like Tony had warned. Just a stupid article which had only caught his eye because it mentioned Hydra. He would have chuckled and ignored the ad if it weren’t for the accompanying visuals.

Bucky. Full in Winter Soldier mode: muzzle and everything. Except the glasses (goggles?) were replaced by the black war paint, ensuring Steve had full view of those steel-blue eyes he loved so much.

He had to press the link. He had to. Had to know what this article knew about Hydra and Bucky.

And there Steve was, stuck on this click-bait news sight with surprisingly no viruses. A quick written section described how, when SHIELD imploded and Hydra was exposed in 2014, files and videos showing how the Winter Soldier was treated (or mistreated) were uncovered.

The video below showed an underground Hydra facility. The closed captions said it was from late 1991 in Siberia.

Steve couldn’t care less what the closed captions read. They discussed trivial matters such as the science behind the cryo-chamber and the logistics of wiping his mind before/after each mission.

Steve noticed the bits of frost in Bucky’s hair, how Bucky’s right arm was fully exposed in the Siberian winter; or how, even though only his eyes were showing, Steve could detect the anguish on his face.

Part two of the clip showed Bucky in the chair. And Steve had no doubt Bucky still had nightmares about it. He was glad the sound was muted. With it on, Steve’s sure the scream being ripped out of Bucky would make an appearance in his own dreams. As it was, the look of pure agony on Bucky’s face is one he’ll never forget.

That first clip faded to black before the next one started. Steve was ready to close the tab. He didn’t need to see anymore— his heart was already broken.

Though his eye caught the date on this new clip. 2014. The year Steve found Bucky— the year he came home. Steve couldn’t click away now!

The camera work was shaky. It wasn’t a security camera like the last clip. Someone wanted this filmed. And that someone walked into the room.

Alexander Pierce looked very put together; especially compared to Bucky, who’s skin shone with sweat in the sickening yellow light.

Bucky had a thousand-yard-stare, looking right past Pierce who certainly wasn’t there to help with Bucky’s PTSD.

Steve flinched when Bucky was sharply slapped with the back of Pierce’s hand. Though it seems to have the desired effect as Bucky finally focuses. He looked up at Pierce and said something. Not that Steve knew with his sound still muted. The captions did nothing to help. They were in the middle of giving Pierce’s biography.

Steve fiddled with the sound. He accidentally muted/unmuted the actual video. And when he unmuted the sound on the computer, he had to increase it to a number higher than zero.

Steve returned to the video in time to hear Bucky state, “But I knew him.” A look of regret clearly etched onto his tired features.

When Pierce announced to his henchmen to “prep him” the average person may have missed the fear that flashed in Bucky’s eyes. But Steve wasn’t an average person, not when it came to Bucky.

Bucky was forcefully pushed back into the chair and less than willingly accepted the mouth guard. And even though they were rough with him, it didn’t look like he was gonna put up much of a fight. He knew what was coming. Knew there was no avoiding it, might as well let it happen.

Steve wondered how long it took for that to be ingrained in Bucky’s head. How many times had he tried to fight back even though his endeavors were futile? Or did he always know it was pointless?

It wasn’t until the restraints clamped down around wrists and right bicep that Bucky truly started to panic. His fists clenched as his chest rose and fell with each terrified, shaky breath. With the mind-wipe apparatus mere inches from his head, Bucky squeezed his eyes shut and exhaled, as if to say: _alright, let’s do this_.

At this point, Steve regretted staying to watch this part. And he especially regretted turning on the sound. He could hear the spark of the machine, the raggedness of Bucky’s breaths.

Steve had known Bucky was tortured, had his mind and memories painfully ripped away, and was abused by his captors. He still woke with nightmares often, even though Bucky tried to pretend he didn’t. And he remembers everything he did as the asset.

While some may think seeing what Bucky had gone through would be a good way to demonstrate how far he’s come in his recovery, Steve disagreed.

All it did was convince Steve that Bucky deserved better. He had spent the last six years leaning on Bucky for his own support. He’d constantly accepted that Bucky was okay since escaping Hydra.

Though now it was glaringly obvious that just being there wasn’t enough— he wasn’t enough. And all Steve could think of, is that he deserved it. Deserved to watch Bucky suffer. He couldn’t save him from falling during the war and he couldn’t save him now. All Steve could do was stay there, staring at his computer screen, and watch his beloved Bucky get tortured.

The apparatus locked on Bucky.

Steve braced himself for the scream and—

Steve’s laptop was shut, was taken off his lap and set aside.

He let a flesh and metal hand pull him from the couch and hold him against a warm living, breathing body.

“I’m sorry,” Steve mumbled into Bucky’s shoulder. _Sorry for not catching you then._ _For not taking better care of you now. For every horror you’ve survived without me._

“It’s okay,” Bucky replied, rubbing Steve’s back, “I’m okay.”

“But I didn’t even try to understand. I just kind of expected you to be okay.”

“You didn’t need to try to understand. You’ve already witnessed the horrors of Hydra. You know I wasn’t first soldier they tried the serum on, I was just their first success case.

And remember when I first came home? You went out of your way to make sure I felt safe and taken care of.”

“But I stopped some point along the way. I just assumed everything was fixed,” Steve pressed his nose into Bucky’s shoulder.

“Nothing can be fixed. Things can get better but they’ll never be perfect. I know nothing I did was my fault. I know you would do anything to keep me safe, I’d do the same for you,” Bucky kissed Steve’s forehead, “As for the nightmares. I don’t think there’s anyway for them to disappear. Only way I can think of is forgetting everything. And I’m not going through that again.”

Steve leaned away from Bucky’s shoulder to look at him properly, “You have no idea how much I love you.”

“Yeah, I do,” Bucky smiled, “I wouldn’t be here if you didn’t love me so much. And now all I want to do is to be here to love you,” Bucky paused and studied Steve’s face, “I remembered you, y’know.”

“When?”

“That first day in DC.”

“You didn’t recognize your own name,” Steve scoffed.

“I know,” Bucky shrugged, “I may not have known who you were or anything about you; but I knew we had known each other.”

Steve’s eyes saddened, “That’s why they wiped you, isn’t it?”

“Probably would have wiped me anyway. Pierce was nice like that,” Bucky smirked, “I just want you to know Stevie, that you have done everything for me. I know you have. And if I have to recover somewhere, I’m glad it was with you and not somewhere alone in like… Romania.”

“Romania?”

“I dunno, most random country I could think of.”

**Author's Note:**

> This story comes from over analyzing the two mind-wipe scenes from Captain America: The Winter Soldier and Captain America: Civil War. I wanted to explore Steve's reaction by having him accidentally stumble on them. 
> 
> And Steve struggling with the sound... that makes him like every single adult I've seen use Youtube.


End file.
